May 2020

Pink Or Blue… Gender Equality & Toddlerhood By SRUTHI RAVINDRAN Living in a country dominated by patriarchy, I can’t help but notice how creating gender neutral or a respectful home or workplace remains a challenge. I remember being invited to a house a few years ago for a family dinner. The house we visited had four members – a middle aged father and mother with two children – the elder son who was a teenager and the younger daughter who was probably 6 or 7 years old.   “The elder teenage boy was given the privilege of finishing his homework, watch TV or socialize with the guests. Whereas the six year old daughter was not allowed to play or have fun ( which is what she should be doing for her age ) but help her mother in the kitchen and serve dinner to the guests, including her older brother who could put his feet up and relax!”  I was beyond shocked and felt so uncomfortable! What I witnessed in the next few hours in their home truly shocked me. It made me realize that we can’t expect employees at workplaces to appreciate diversity and inclusion or being more respectful, if we don’t foster that culture at home.  This needs to begin as early 2 or 3 years old or when your child learns to talk or socialize. I always vowed that if I ever became a mother that I would treat my children fairly irrespective of their gender. Today I’m a mother of a 4 year old boy and I take conscious efforts to steer clear any hint of gender bias at home. However, young children are also exposed to their friend circle, school, literature and media that may work against your goals. So, it does catch me by surprise when my child tells me things I never taught him or encouraged such as: Blue is for boys, pink is for girls Lions are for dads, fishes are for moms Boys have fun, girls mostly just cook Boys are strong, girls are cute That T-shirt is so colorful and girly And more…. I cringe when I hear these words and immediately take efforts to ensure that he does not nurture these notions for life.  So here are are a few strategies from a parent to a parent. Encourage Play Dates with Boys and Girls –  If you start early this is going to work smoothly. I’ve seen my son enjoying himself thoroughly with both boys and girls. He has a good time with kitchen sets, make-up with dolls, car racing, animal play and somersault. So why should we limit their choices? This way they learn to respect one another early on. Expose Children to Diverse Play-  Break stereotypes by encouraging them to listen to stories and use toys that are age appropriate rather than gender specific. Honestly nobody is born with these preferences and I’ve observed that children thoroughly enjoy all kinds of play. Eg: Encouraging play with dolls is a great way to teach them traits and values such as care giving and empathy. Whereas somersault or kids football or soccer can aid in motor development. Now don’t all human being need both these values? So why worry about gender?  Patience is Key – A boy might say, “I’m a boy, so don’t make me cut vegetables”  or a girl might say, “Soccer is for boys only.” These are learnt behaviours that they pick up by watching the world around them. Stay calm and explain how anyone could do anything. You could share examples from their friend circles such as, “Hey your best friend Tina loves to play soccer and your friend John wants to be a chef.” Just a word of caution to not go overboard and cross the gender boundaries excessively.  Walk The Talk – Well this goes without saying that kids learn the most by copying what adults do. They will be quick to notice any discrepancy. Let them see that people contribute to the house irrespective of their gender. This includes career choices, lifestyle, household management, the way you communicate and more. Change begins at home with parents. Eg: When I go shopping with my son, I would say, “I wonder why do all the vibrant colors go to the girls section. Why don’t they have more colors available for boys?” Encourage Kids To Contribute – Teach your children life skills that are essential for survival. Simple things that they can do. Eg: Folding laundry, participate in kitchen time, contribute to cleaning and more.  Prepare Them To Stay Safe – Bringing up a gender neutral child is not easy in the real world, where your kid could run into bullies at the park or their school. Kids may make fun of a boy who has a pink shirt or a girl who is tough and likes rough play. So equip your child to diffuse such situations if they ever run into something that can harm their safety. Eg: “You know sometimes they may not like the toy you have and may make fun of you. What can you tell them so that they don’t make fun of you? It could even be a joke.”  Soon they will learn that there’s no job in the world that is solely a man’s or a woman’s. We are all simply human beings.  Spread the word Facebook-f Linkedin-in Instagram

Better Than The Best You Thought You Could Be By SRUTHI RAVINDRAN It is 2008 and in the heart of Kochi is an auditorium filled with music enthusiasts which include young students, teachers and passersby. All who have come to either cheer the super performers or to boo the singers who don’t stand a chance! Couple that with favouritism, jealousy and angst to take home trophies. A room filled with a rush of adrenaline. Not an easy place to be. This is a story of the ’20 year old me’ who won the ‘Best Female Vocalist’ at the Kerala Youth Festival. Every year top talent from all the colleges in the district come together to showcase their talent and to take home the most coveted award in the state. I signed up for the Western Vocal Solo and the best singers from 35 different colleges in the district battled it out.  But this story is not about the competition. But just seemingly small things that went behind the scenes. A wellwisher: “Hey Sruthi. Look at those girls from …. college.” (Pointing out at a group of singers from a college that has always taken the Best Vocalist trophy for maybe the last 30-40 years!”) Me: “So what? But I can sing. And I’m going to win this year! I had forgotten about this seemingly insignificant dialogue until today.  When my turn came to hit the stage, I’m sure I had butterflies in my stomach. But I looked calmer than the calmest flower! I belted out a Mariah Carey ballad I had rehearsed for over two months. The song showcased my vocal range – both lowest and highest register. But there were certain notes that were way too high for to me to sing in my original voice and I had always belted it out in my false voice.  But then a miracle happened.  I hit those big notes in my original voice in full power and vibrato! I couldn’t believe it. I had never done it. Not even during my best rehearsals! Maybe the cheering crowd and all the excitement boosted my physical and emotional energy. This is a big deal. It’s as if an athlete who’s average time for running a track was always between 1:45 min – 1:55 min during practice sessions and then suddenly comes down to 1:15 min on the day of the race. Singing is a physical ability.  I tried to reflect on what may have happened. Perhaps it was all the positive self-talk behind the stage. The fact that I didn’t say that I was ‘nervous’ – but that I was ‘excited’. Physiologically speaking our bodies experience the same sensations during both the nervous and excited state.   Sure there were people from colleges who won for three decades. But I choose to focus on myself and the goal rather than get carried away or get intimidated by others for no reason. And that helped me to bring out my best. And decades later, I realize today that I was “better than the best I thought I could be.” Well that was a singing competition. But I’m sure we can all relate to instances in our careers, relationships and our lives where we perform beyond our amazement.  Have you had an instance were you performed far beyond your expectations? What inspired you or what strategy did you use to win? I would love to hear your story.  Comment below.  Show Some Love Facebook-f Linkedin-in Instagram

The Secret to Staying Sane As A Solo Working Parent In Crisis By SRUTHI RAVINDRAN Day 1 – My head is spinning! Day 3 – Cry cry and cry more Day 5 – I am faster than I was! Day 7 – I won’t do everything every day! Day 14 – Ignore that dust! I am happy today! Day 21 – I choose my happiness! Day 40 – I feel blessed!  My brain went into a frenzy when I realized that the COVID 19 or coronavirus meant that my husband was going to be away for days and weeks together to handle crisis in his organization. Ours is a family of three. My 3.5 year old toddler, my husband who is a hotelier and there’s me working as a Consultant. With the lockdown my support systems collapsed – no more offices, no more days cares, no more help to cook and clean, and no more spouse at home. I was now a solo parent at least for a while. The gates of hell came crashing. Or maybe not.  “Amidst crazy work calls, toddler tantrums, resistant home schooling, umpteen dirty dishes, back breaking mopping and boring meals, here are some lessons I learnt. Lessons that helped to not just preserve my sanity but also thrive during this crisis.” Half Your To-Do List: I learnt this the hard way. A sparkling house, three delicious meals, a spic and span kitchen, gleaming laundry, impeccable childcare – which includes home schooling my child, attending to all emotional and physical needs and of course be an efficient and productive employee working from home.  Wow! What a joyous accomplishment? Well, I collapsed with a migraine! Do not attempt this at home! The key is to literally half your to do list and work it out on alternate days or whatever works for you. But please do not aim to eat that entire cake in one go! Snoooooze. You Need That Sleep : My obsession with checking off everything on my to-do list meant 2-3 hours of less sleep than before. I began forgetting what I was doing! I heard bells ringing at night! I threw tantrums worse than my child. I realized the culprit. I went back to my ‘early to bed, early to rise’ routine and voila! I was back to my normal happy productive creative self. Stop Squinting Your Eyebrows and Laugh A Little : I was sitting on my couch and sipping hot coffee, when my kid looked at me and asked “Mama, why are you so angry?”. I was a bit bewildered. “Well, I’m not angry. I’m happy.” He quickly shot, “Noooo. You are not happy. See you always doing like this mama” (He shrunk his forehead and squinted his eyebrows to copy me). Wow! Children observe more than they listen to our words. It dawned on me how he must be watching me and learning. I had to loosen up not just for others but for myself first. Happiness begins within.  Care For Your Body : Sure there were days that I got tired of cooking and got some ready to eats and processed food. After a week, I felt disgusted. More than ever it’s so important for us to be healthy for ourselves and our children and the world around us. The food you eat nourishes your body, mind and soul. Don’t forget to open your windows to soak in some fresh air and sunshine and walk in whatever little space you can afford to.   Let Your Mind ‘Flow’ : What do you mean? Well, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian- American Psychologist spoke of how the human mind enters a state of consciousness called ‘flow’ where you experience so much satisfaction, that you lose track of time and feel completely absorbed by it. This could be any creative hobby or passion that you enjoy pursuing. I could sing for hours and forget that I need to cook dinner! Its an in-explainable state of joy. What’s yours? Practice Gratitude: I would be lying if I did not admit that I do feel terrible that so many people are fighting for survival – ill health, job loss, lack of money to procure essentials and so on. I was thankful for just having healthy food, a loving family, and a roof above my head. And for the same reason I was against stocking up or panic buying. Support who ever I could – assure my help at home and pay their salaries. People Need People: Well at the end of the day we know that human beings are gregarious. We need each other. This is not the stone age. Technology has taken human interaction to another level. So, stop making excuses, pick up that phone and find time to check in on your dear and near ones. Have a hearty laugh. You could even sing a song together or have a meal together. You can get creative.  The list could go on. It’s May 2020 and it’s been several weeks at home now and I can clearly say I have never felt more resilient and optimistic. I am also working on some new initiatives in the field of Music, Wellness, Mental Health and Coaching. Of course, when my son is napping! I still have my rough days, but at least I do not feel helpless and I know that the storm makes me stronger.  If you are a mom trying to do it all together, I would love to hear your story. Or you could inspire others by posting stories in the comments or write to sruthi.ravindran@thehappyspace.in and we can feature it here.  Show Some Love? Facebook-f Linkedin-in Instagram